Category Archives: success

The war on perfection.

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Perfection was always the goal. It was around fourth grade that people began going out of their way to teach me just how imperfect I was. We’d moved from New Orleans, Louisiana to Baton Rouge, Louisiana and I was starting at a brand new elementary school – but it wasn’t new to others. Everyone else had their friends, their circles, their inside jokes and I was simply the new girl… an instant outsider. I’d suddenly gone from having fun on the playground during recess at my old school to being taunted while everyone else played together against me. The real shame in this wasn’t their making fun of me – it was letting myself believe that they were right. And it became abundantly clear that if I wanted people to like me, I was going to have to be perfect.

But what was ‘perfect’? Skinny was perfect. Beautiful was perfect. Being funny was perfect. Perfect was this imaginary destination that no one expected me to ever be able to reach, myself included. Those freckles were not perfect. Those triangular chicken legs were not perfect, especially when compared to that imperfect chunkier stomach. That mole on my arm was not perfect. Those teeth were definitely not perfect! I always found myself missing some mark set by unrealistic standards. I can’t blame anyone for those standards. I think standards are a product of what we’re surrounded by and what we’re silently being taught while other’s sneer in our direction and judge us because we don’t look or sound or act like they do. I always felt like I was one word shy of the perfect joke or one straight tooth shy of the perfect smile and was never able to obtain this state of happiness rooted in popularity contests and social circles… because perfect was the destination and I was far from it.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve been able to understand things that happened to me when I was younger. I’ve been able to forgive people of the ways they hurt me. I know that most kids don’t understand the full extent of what they do. Had they known that I went home and cried, had they known how hard I tried to be someone they would like, maybe they would have treated me differently. But what I still found myself struggling with was trying to be perfect. I so strongly believed that I could never succeed at anything that I worked even harder to try and prove to other people that I could do it.

In 2009, I went to the Aveda Institute and got my cosmetology license. Before even graduating, I landed a job at one of the most well-known salons around. People in my class actually told me that I was wasting my time applying there because they would never hire someone like me; they only hire “blonde-haired barbies” was the term. In other words, I was too fat and not pretty enough… but I’d gotten the job! And I could not have been more proud or happier with myself. I honestly loved that job and that salon so much; I treasured the opportunity to grow and learn there. However, because I didn’t believe I was pretty enough or skinny enough to work there, I still found myself trying to overcompensate. I tried to be the perfect assistant, the perfect makeup artist, the perfect hairstylist, the perfect laundry folder, the perfect color room cleaner… I tried my hardest to be in at least three places at once at any given time that I worked myself to the bone. I worked myself so hard, it ended in a very serious back injury that took 8 months to recover from. And I still didn’t feel good enough. I felt as though I had to work a thousand times harder than anyone else there – just to prove that I belonged. I fell into a bad depression after injuring my back.

Although I had forgiven those kids all those years ago for hurting me, I hadn’t let go of all of those imperfections. And in my mind, it cost me the job and opportunity of my dreams…

Recently, as I’ve been redefining success for myself, I’ve been trying to open my heart to healing as well. Part of that healing started to come when I came across a scripture in the Amplified version of the Bible that really struck my soul. I mean, I read this scripture over and over and each time, it cut me a little deeper with the freedom of understanding.

“You, therefore, must be perfect [growing into complete maturity of godliness in mind and character, having reached the proper height of virtue and integrity], as your Heavenly Father is perfect.” Matthew 5:48

The word ‘perfect’ always catches my attention, as you can probably imagine, seeing as I’ve tried to live a lifetime of being perfect. But what struck me the most was the word that followed: growing. You see, I love the Amplified version because it breaks down the actual definition of certain words used in scripture. This term ‘perfect’ didn’t mean a state of being, it didn’t mean some final destination or that someone has it all together. The first word following ‘perfect’ is growing. This term ‘perfect’ means growth. Oh, I wish you could feel the fire in my bones every time I type it! Perfection is not a destination. Perfection is growth. It’s growing into the complete person that God has called me to be and the only way to do that is to find myself in Him. That’s it. There is absolutely no one thing that can make God love me more. There is no amount of work that I can put in to earn His love. It just is. It just exists. It’s there. To Him, I am perfect. Why? Because I’m continually growing in Him, in Who He is and in how much He loves me.

I know I’m not alone in this journey of perfection. I know so many people struggle with wanting to be perfect. If you’re one of those people, please read these words carefully and let them settle deep into your heart: ‘perfect’ is not a destination. ‘Perfect’ is growing. As long as you are growing as a person, you’re perfect. Lose yourself in the Love that freely pours out for you. It’s there. It does not matter who you are, what you’ve done, where you’ve come from, where you think you’re going – it’s always there. And it is a perfect Love because in that Love, you will find yourself growing into who God has created you to be, whether you know it or not. You don’t have to wrestle. You don’t have to war for Love. God has already made war for your perfect, growing heart.

What is Success?

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A husband. My own children. A career. Financial stability… These are all the tangible sources of success I’ve been working toward for as long as I can remember now. I’ve always wanted to be a mother and a wife – even back when I was a child myself. I flipped back and forth between wanting 6 kids and a daunting, crazy 12! I had a certain age limit to obtain all of these things, of course, and it was way before I turned 30. But here I am, scratching at the surface of my early thirties and not a single one of those things has happened for me. And I have to be transparent with you: I often feel like a failure because of it. Am I not beautiful enough for a husband? Have I ruined my body too much with reckless eating and depression to be fit to carry a child? Am I not worthy enough to have a successful career? Have I made too many mistakes to finally be fully financially independent?

These are the questions that torture my mind nearly every day. As much as I try to hold on to my faith in God and that He has a perfect plan for my life, there are times when I just want to throw in the towel of my hope and accept the spoken and unspoken lies disguised as truths about myself. Why? Because I can’t see it. I cannot see His thoughts about myself. I cannot see His plan for my life. And my dreams and desires for my life are so much bigger than me, I know I cannot do it without God. But what if I fail? What if I’m wrong? What if I don’t get to do any of the things I love so dearly and want to accomplish? Am I the only one who fears failure? Am I all alone in this journey I’ve chosen for my life? Because after moving to an entirely new place, where I know no one, it certainly feels that way.

Lately I’ve been able to spot a recurring theme in these questions, and maybe as you’ve read above, you’ve been able to spot it as well: seeing. Vision. Or should I say, the lack there of. My vision for my future has stopped just short of perishing all together. To be honest with you, as that’s what I created this space for, it’s waivered in and out for quite a while. My vision would ignite with a fiery passion at every new project I started and a few months later, it would begin to slowly diminish until I found myself repeating the same destructive cycle of my past. I wasn’t truly growing, although I could fake it for a while. But for true growth into the woman God has called me to be, I needed a move – a shift. I needed a new whirlwind thrown into my every day routine. Even more than that, I needed something to shatter my every day routine. It wasn’t working for me anyway.

I know it may sound contrary to questioning feeling alone earlier, but I believe God called me out here to Texas for a reason: to restore my vision for my future. And I think part of that process involves confronting the questions that have burdened me for so long now. I never knew how to be my own person. I would often times hide behind the security blanket of my friends and family, accepting that I was grafted into their lives but never fully accepting that God has a life for me as well. Questioning is okay. In fact, I think God likes it. When we begin asking questions, it means that our hearts are opening to Him and to His truth. Some of those truths may be easy – we may laugh, we may feel foolish for wasting so much time worrying about such an easy answer. And some of those truths may be difficult. Some of those truths may hurt. Some of those truths may reveal things about ourselves that we don’t like… some of them may even bring up pains and scars and bruises we either thought were gone or just ignored all together.

But that’s the beauty of growth. Through these experiences and through these trials, through these questions, we learn who we are. We learn who we can be. We learn who we’re called to be.

I’m currently in a season of redefining success for myself. The whispers of the world (the same whispers that leave impressions on our hearts of who they think we should be) place success in careers and relationships and money. What do I place success in? What do I believe true success is? I took to social media the other day to ask others what they think and over on my Instagram my (incredibly wise) mom hit the nail on the head for my life. She said, “A large component of success is refusing to listen to the enemy who is constantly telling you that you are not good enough, that you could have done better, achieved more.” Who doesn’t struggle with that from time to time, honestly? But she’s absolutely right. I cannot achieve success while I believe the lies of the enemy chattering away in my mind. It’s time to silence the enemy and define my own success. It’s time to define who I am in God and settle my heart there. It’s time to not just read the scriptures but move into the reality of the Word of God so that my heart can mold into it.

What defines success for you? I would like to know. I also invite you to find peace in your questions tonight. It is okay to question. Question everything. But also trust that God has an answer, even if you don’t receive it right away. Be patient in your waiting and be strong in your growing. You’re not alone. And you are a success.